ļ»æEP #17 - Finding Your Footing When Plans Change
[00:00:00] Tanja: Have you ever experienced where you had a certain plan in mind and then it took such a twist and a turn and everything started to change and it made it really messy or it felt really uncomfortable and you were maybe struggling with finding the foot again into it or even accepting that the changes had happened and really struggled the change of plan and maybe it made you even irritated or it made you feel angry or disappointed or sad. So, you clearly had an emotional response to that. So today we are going to actually talk about how to find your footing when plans change.
[00:50:12] So it's all about change and how we deal with change and the more you get to know yourself better, the easier it will be. Believe me. So, I can't wait to share more insights and more tips with you today so that you can launch yourself onto your path, whatever you will be doing, but feeling that you have a good toolbox here so that it helps you to navigate whatever comes along your way.
So make yourself truly comfortable, maybe pen and paper ready as well, and can't wait to share more!
[00:02:06] So change is all around us, starting with small changes in our life that are completely unemotional, such as you enter into the supermarket and you are going to try to find your pack of noodles or rice and you go to shelf number 8, where it usually is, but today you go to number 8 but there is no rice, no noodles and you seem to go around, you know, there is a little bit of this shock moment, but then you start to think about like, what it has ever been, it has always been here, so it must be here somewhere. So you start looking up and looking down, maybe left and right, but you still can't find it. So you go into this denial, it can't be.
[00:02:54] And then you start to realize the more you look for your packet of rice or noodles, you start to embrace that there is a reality here that doesn't seem to have what you are looking for. So you look for someone in the shop and try to find the shopkeeper and ask her where the rice has moved to. And she says, we moved a little bit around, you know, and the rice is now in shelf number five. So you go over and there it is. And so you start accepting the idea that the rice is now in shelf number five.
[00:03:31] And next time when you come into the same supermarket back again and you need your rice or noodles again, you remember that it has changed from number eight to number five and you go there and you can find it. So you integrate the idea. So what I just did is I walked you through the change curve, a very simplified change curve that was introduced by Kodler.
And it starts with we enter into change by a little shock, then we move on to the denial stage until we hit reality and then we start embracing acceptance and then we move into integrating it. And next time we experience the same topic again, it doesn't feel like it's shaking us up because it feels it has been really integrated and we are fine with it.
[00:04:25] So this works extremely well with all kinds of very unemotional changes. If you haven't known your neighbors next door and they are moving out and a new neighbor moves in, it doesn't matter much to you, right? Because there was no relationship to your previous neighbor. So it's totally fine to accept these kinds of changes. Now, when it becomes really tricky is like when we are experiencing a change that is close to our heart or that we feel that there is an emotional response to it. That's when it starts to become challenging to us because that's when we really experience this moment of entering into shock.
So I'm going to talk now and focus more about infertility today, but you can actually adapt this to any kind of situation that you are experiencing in your life because a change can be shocking when it comes to job, it can be shocking when it comes to relationship, and it can be shocking to many, many other situations in life.
[00:05:36] But because I really want to share some insights here for those being on a fertility journey, my focus will be on that today. So when we try to conceive and get pregnant and it doesn't work.
We might feel a little bit shocked at the beginning that actually after stopping with contraceptives or after making the decision that we really want to form a family, it doesn't work. And after three, four, five months, it maybe puts us into a little shock state because we feel that it seems that everyone around can just with a blink of an eye can get pregnant. And here we are and it's not working.
[00:06:25] You may find yourself even still in denial after a couple of months because you feel like, this doesn't happen to us, isn't it? No, no, it can't be. It can't be us. This is happening to others and we read about it, but not to us. Until you start realizing, perhaps this is happening to us and perhaps we should do testing and perhaps we should actually talk to a doctor and make that appointment to get more insight. So this is when you are embarking on that journey of now seeking medical assistance to get more insight. This may be still quite an okay road for many couples. It can get a little bit more bumpy when the news come back of a test. And this can then lead into another little shockwave, where one of the two maybe gets test results back that are not so favorable of a natural conception. And where the doctor actually may even already start talking about like medical assistance, such as either an IUI or maybe further testings or even IVF.
[00:07:45] And this is where I can see couples then embarking on this shocking and then denial state. This is like where many of the couples are still feeling that they would actually prefer a natural conception and who doesn't, to be very honest. We all wish to having fun and not thinking much about it and getting pregnant as it would be like the most natural way.
But we discussed already before what could be like the contributing factors to maybe not belong to one of these couples, but maybe experience a little bit more struggles. And that's where we want to really support you on this way, on this path and on this journey. So then when you get the news that maybe something is not working quite the way it should or not looking quite the way it should.
[00:08:48] That's when maybe conversations are happening. And that's where we can see sometimes in a couple that one goes ahead, embraces it, embraces the news and the facts and goes for it. Yeah, that's it. Okay. I get it. And what's next now? And already is hitting the reality point where he or she is already discussing possible plans or possible solution to the problem and how to fix that.
And then really accepting it and say, okay, doctor advised on the IVF, let's go for that. While the other in that relationship is still struggling with the news and can't embrace it and is trying to really go into a defensive state by hold on, hold on, this was not one doctor. How about we go and seek advice from a second doctor. How about we repeat the tests? Maybe the test results weren't quite correct.
[00:09:50] Maybe there will be a different result attached to it. So if you can identify yourself with being more the one that is more careful, more likes to actually review it again and reflect upon it, it's maybe still in that denial stage as well.
It just doesn't feel right. just every single cell in your body is calling for a natural conception rather than going for a medically assisting technology. Yes, I hear you. I absolutely hear you. And believe me, you are not alone because who doesn't want to conceive naturally instead, right? It's so much more natural, but also easier, but also it just doesn't take that toll onto the mental and emotional side, which I completely, completely understand.
[00:10:48] The point here that I want to raise is this is where we can see if one goes ahead and the other one feels in denial. This is a call for conflict. In any situation in your life, it's always this moment when one goes ahead and the other one is behind.
It's called like we identify those that are going ahead as also fast adapters. They typically and naturally have this in their personality, in their characteristics, that they can adapt very quickly to a changing situation in their life. Whereas the other ones, where it takes a little bit longer to embrace it. There is also lot of emotions being involved in it, such as anxiety, but also frustration, disappointment. There is also validation process involved in it. So these are usually characteristics of so-called slow adapters.
[00:11:58] So how do you bring these two onto one informed decision but also one shared view where both of them can understand each other better. It's like really like when one goes ahead and the other one is still behind. So take a moment as a couple to identify first of all who am I in this relationship. Am I the fast adapter going ahead or am I the slow adapter here?
And when you have identified yourself, then share and be curious first of all. So first of all, you say, you know, I'm really curious to know, where are you on this change curve of shock, denial, reality, acceptance and integration?
[00:12:54] And where am I? And what makes you feel that you are in the place where you are right now. And this is so important to get to know your partner better, because this can be absolutely helpful for the conversation that you will be having. So when you are the slow adapter, then be curious, what helped you to move so fast through the denial and reality and move into acceptance? What helped you? to move in there. What are the things that could help me to move from denial into reality? What do I need to know or to feel so that I can move from denial state where I am at the moment into reality? For those that are ahead and already in acceptance, maybe you can ask your partner, how can I support you?
[00:14:00] What can I do to help you to move from denial to reality? And maybe they won't even know from you what has helped you to actually move into acceptance. How does it feel to be in acceptance? So this is usually one of the topics that we would really discuss in our sessions as well to really find out like, where is each of you?
And what can help you to close that gap? So instead of feeling that, my partner doesn't know what I'm feeling. I feel so frustrated or worse. I feel totally alone on this journey and don't know what to do. And your partner may be being totally frustrated about like, why is he or she taking so long?
[00:14:58] What is going on there? Why can't they just embrace it and move on? The doctor already explained what this is about. So let's move on, embrace it, let's take the next step. Let's make this next appointment. Let's move on. And these are things that can create a lot of frustration in a relationship. So this is also true for any of other topics that you may experience in your relationship or with other people, you know, in a team setting where you might be the manager of a team and are implementing change. And you can see that not everyone is embracing change the same way.
So it might be maybe worth to actually slot the different phases of the change curve and find out who is moving at which speed in which box right now. And this is true for your family members as well - for parents, for siblings, for your children. Just think about like where are each of them right now when there is a huge change? And maybe this is where it can help you to find more compassion, more empathy for those around you.
[00:16:20] Whether they are ahead of you or whether they are behind you on that change curve. It doesn't matter. But I think all what you care about is like that you find a consensus together. And I'm really explicitly mentioning now consensus. Consensus is always win-win.
It's when you and others are creating win-wins where it makes everyone feel part of it, everyone respected and everyone validated. And that's exactly what you want to experience on your journey. So I hope there was something in today. I felt the urge to share a little bit more about like how to find your footing when planes change, because it's so, so important to raise this awareness and to be compassionate with those around you.
[00:17:20] To really bring that into others life as well. And if you see others are struggling with change or anything, maybe that's when you can actually take a step and help them. Now you got all the tools today, the great questions to ask and maybe there is something that how you can actually make a change into someone's life and truly help them as well. So please share.
If you find this helpful. Thank you for listening today. I feel very honored for you to be on this journey with me and I can't wait to listen and hear from you about like how it went and how maybe there were struggles with change, but also there were good moments with change. Thank you and have a wonderful, wonderful day and see you next time.
