ļ»æEP #7 - Navigating Fertility Struggles: Coping with Isolation
Tanja Faessler 0:09
Welcome to Your Fertility Counsellor podcast! I'm your host, Tanja, and I'm delighted to have you here with me today. Today, we will be talking about you and you, you and your partner and how to manage emotions when you are surrounded by friends who all seem to be either pregnant or have kids.
Thanks for being here with me today, and now let's get started.
Tanja Faessler 0:58
I am so, so happy today! First of all, because we got such a great feedback from our last episode when we were talking about, 'How to Survive Chinese New Year with Grace'. And secondly, we received our very first email from one of our listeners, and this really made my day. This is so much more than what I was hoping for - it just confirms that we are on the right path here. To be here with you, makes me feel so blessed and honored. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart!
Tanja Faessler 1:38
Actually, when I was reading through this first email with my team, we were thinking about to launch maybe a series of it. We don't know whether we will receive more emails from our listeners, but what we know is that we have so much to share. So, maybe we will launch a series - who knows? We haven't decided yet. We just see how many emails we will receive.
Tanja Faessler 1:38
But let me read out what Susan wrote to us. "Hi, Tanja, thank you for sharing the tips on how to survive Chinese New Year. I found them really helpful. My partner and I are struggling with seeing others with kids. I can't be around pregnant women. It reminds me of what I don't have, and it makes me feel angry, but also jealous. If we choose not to see our friends that either have kids or are pregnant, we feel alone. Can you share with us on how to work on that?"
Tanja Faessler 2:40
Of course, Susan and thank you so much for reaching out with this important question. We have actually seen many couples that are going through such difficult phase - we call it isolation. It's a phase of where you and your partner might be trying for a baby, and then you realise that others around you are bypassing you, by either already expecting the first one or even their number two. And then it reminds you so much that you started off all at the same starting line. You all went, maybe to university, then you started with your first job, and then ultimately you met up, maybe even together into holidays, and spend time together on holidays. And then you come to a point where you start thinking about the future. Some of you start to get married, and all of a sudden, one of your friends starts with the first pregnancy.
Tanja Faessler 3:58
At that point in time, you might even feel still relaxed, because you think like, well, it's just one of many. And then one after the other starts to get pregnant, and their children are being born, and you are looking at them, and that's where a slight pressure can start to arise. You maybe start to have more conversations with your partner, more in depth conversations about like, "How about us? Do we want to have children at this point in time? Shall we start to try as well, since everyone else is now on this family path?" And maybe you come to the conclusion you want to wait, and maybe you discuss with your partner that you, too want to give it a try.
Tanja Faessler 4:51
And that's where some of the couples can maybe just start with trying and they get pregnant immediately - we hear a lot about those stories from others. Whether or not they are true, we don't know, actually. And then we have couples that are trying one month after the next. And six months into trying, they still don't get pregnant. And that's where they start realising that left and right, one after the next, is trying and getting pregnant. Some of them are giving birth, and then maybe, you are one of those couples that are kind of feeling that you are left behind. I'm emphasising on the word 'feeling', because it's a feeling that you have. You own that feeling, and it's your mind that creates that feeling. It's not that necessarily others make you feel that way, absolutely not. It's really coming from you and this feeling can sometimes become really overwhelming. And believe me, I know exactly how that is, because we have these conversations almost on a weekly basis with our clients.
Tanja Faessler 6:17
And when it becomes so overwhelming, it can be really an emotional cocktail because these emotions can be a mix of feeling really angry, but you don't know about what exactly, you just feel so angry about not being pregnant despite trying every month with your cycle. And perhaps, you are even putting more efforts into it, meaning that you are counting the days - you are looking more about like, when does ovulation happen, when are those fertile days happening. You are maybe even organising your work schedule around that, your holidays around that. I know, I know, I know. And then it makes you feel deeply sad as well, because you are putting so much effort into it. And despite all these efforts, it's not happening.
Tanja Faessler 7:17
And you're also realising, "Oh, my God, this is an area I can't control". So you start also facing this loss of control. And we all know where this is going, right? You know exactly what comes next - yes, it's fear. When we have this loss of control, for women especially, I mean, it's one of our superpowers, isn't it? So as long as we have control, and we have this sense of control, it makes us feel strong, it makes us feel grounded, it makes us feel that we have those superpowers and that we can move mountains, isn't it? But the moment that we realise that we are actually losing that control, oh dear, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's when we feel, "Oh, my God, it's all falling apart". And then we really feel, "Wow, this is a different roller coaster now because it's really sliding down - holy cheese!" And it can feel really scary because when things go out of control, that's another level of emotions. Yes.
Tanja Faessler 8:48
So, definitely having all these mixed emotions coming up - and sometimes all at the same time, even. Feeling angry, feeling jealous. I haven't even talked about jealousy. Yes, we feel jealous. We can feel jealous of our best friend being pregnant. And even though we may know that she had a hard time to get pregnant as well, because we were on the same path even, and we're sharing about our hopes and about our sadness each month, and then she gets pregnant before me - "Oh, yes, now she got something that I don't have". And then it makes us feel so highly ashamed. Yes, it makes us feel ashamed because she is now pregnant, and she is my best friend, and I should be happy for her, but I'm not.
Tanja Faessler 9:51
And believe me, it's normal. It is normal to feel that way up - absolutely, even if it's your best friend. Because what happens is, the moment that you put something on your radar, it's all in your mind. It's all in your mind. So you wake up in the morning and all what you can think of is baby - how to make a baby, when to get pregnant, how to get pregnant. Maybe I should adjust my nutrition, maybe I should avoid all the plastic containers in my household, maybe I should drink more water, skip that coffee for once, and for sure, skip all the alcohol, and do a little bit more exercise - but not too much - and have a sleep routine. Yes, yes, yes, I can hear you. Absolutely, we can hear you here. It's all being discussed with our clients as well. And then it can become really overwhelming.
Tanja Faessler 10:14
So we are talking and tapping on so many topics right now. And I'm trying to lay them out for you so that you can see, "Oh, okay, so I may be one of them." But, it's okay - it's okay to feel that way, it's okay to feel jealous, it's okay to feel ashamed. And it's okay to feel that, when you lose the sense of control, it makes me really feel angry. It's okay, believe me, it's normal. It's normal to feel that way. So many others feel exactly, exactly the same way.
Tanja Faessler 11:42
So today, I'm trying to cover a little bit more about like, what does it mean, and what can you actually do when you start feeling isolated, because isolation is not nice. And I know that actually it's created by yourself, right? Because we choose not to go to that kids party, or the other way around. Can be that our friends can sense that it makes us feel sad because we so much want to get pregnant. But because we are not, they don't want to hurt us so we don't get invited to their kids party. And they don't mean it with a bad intention - absolutely not. They maybe just feel the pain that you are going through, and that's why they choose not to invite you. So all of these different actions, whether they are coming from yourself, or whether actually your friends are initiating it, it can lead to isolation. I'm totally aware of it. So here are my top 3 tips for today.
Tanja Faessler 12:58
First of all, I want you to look at your social environment again. And why am I saying that? It's because humans are creatures of habits. So, we keep going out with the same group of friends, and we keep doing the same things, right? And maybe this is now an opportunity for you and your partner to actually really look at like, "With whom do we actually mingle? Who do we have in our address book? With whom could we else spend our time?" So try to lay out the different group of friends that you are having. And maybe, you want to consciously look for someone who has either old kids already and can go out with the two of you without their kids, or maybe you find someone who is actually not on their part of pregnancy, who are not pregnant at the moment; maybe they have even chosen to stay childless. And maybe that's the right crowd for you to mingle right now. So, that is my tip number 1.
Tanja Faessler 14:18
The second tip is to really also look at your dates - you and your partner, exactly. And with date, I don't mean to become those couch potatoes in front of the TV. It can be from time to time, but it's also going out together, surprise each other, revamp your relationship and really go consciously for a couple date. It can be as small as going out for a walk in the evening after work - leave your phones at home and just go for a walk together. Or it can also be to really go for a date - a fun date. Surprise each other, pick a restaurant that you've never been, do things that you have never done, always wanted to do but haven't done them yet. You will see how magic that can actually be for your relationship.
Tanja Faessler 15:17
And tip number 3 comes now, really from my heart. And I'm taking a pause here because I really want for you to now drop everything and really listen to what I share with you. I want you to feel what you are passionate about. Tip number 3 needs to touch your heart - it's so, so important. I had clients who were really speechless, and really took them a little bit of time until they found out what really touched their heart. Because we can get so easily consumed by social media, by work, by, you know, all what's going around us, and that chatter and noise that is going around in our mind, and we just completely lose touch with our heart.
Tanja Faessler 16:20
So I want you to really think or just reflect for it, like, "What is it that your heart is craving for?" And maybe it could be like, to take up a hobby again that you haven't pursued for some time - play some music with an instrument, listen to music, finally, join a group of, you know, cooks. Just take up something that is really, really touching your heart. I had clients who started baking again and pursued a baking class. I had clients who actually went out, bought really great headphones, and made it a point to listen to their favorite music half an hour per day. It doesn't actually need to be like a big thing - really not. It can be writing, it can be reading, it can be anything - just something that really fills up your heart, fills your bucket, so that you really feel, "Wow, that's doing me so great, and it's giving me such a sense of happiness or contentment." - whatever it is that you get from it.
Tanja Faessler 17:42
So please pause - pause for a moment, either today, tonight, tomorrow, whenever it's the right time for you. You can go for a walk, or go to your favorite coffee shop. Bring a journal with you, start writing out, start brainstorming, or go for a walk with your partner and brainstorm about what is it that really touches your heart. What makes you jump with joy? What makes you jump out of your bed, actually, really? Yes.
Tanja Faessler 18:12
So these are my top tips for today. Thank you so much for listening, for being with me today. I'm feeling so blessed and honored. And Susan, I hope there was something in for you and your partner here. Thank you so much for reaching out to us and sharing about what was helpful, but what else you needed.
Tanja Faessler 18:34
So, dear listeners and followers, if you have any topics that you want us to share specifically to your situation, there is room for this. Please reach out to us, either in the comments or write to us. Reach out to us on social media, on whatever you want, and we will be here. We have so much to share, actually, and we are so happy - so, so happy and feeling so honored to share all these great tips that we have. So stay tuned. We will be back next week, and thank you. Thank you so much for being here with us.
